April 25, 2003
Two similar things got me to thinking recently. One was a joke sent to me on a humor list. The other was an appearance by conservative commentator Ann Coulter at my university this week.
Coulter gave, according to reports, a lovely little speech advocating the racial profiling of Arab-Americans and other Muslims. How quaint for the lovely little blonde girl. The joke was a “quiz” that supported racial profiling by listing some terrorist acts that had been committed by extremists and making it sound stupid to do anything but racial profile. Nothing quite so amusing as racism cloaked in humor, is there? Well, the more I thought about that crap, the more it bugged me. So I have devised a little quiz of my own, as a way of perhaps determining for myself whether or not racial profiling is acceptable. Please take it and tell me what you think.
1. President John F. Kennedy was officially listed as assassinated by:
a. A young African-American man who was unhappy about the civil rights movement.
b. Arab extremists violating the holy teachings of Islam
c. A white, Southern, redneck loner with a grudge.
2. Martin Luther King, Jr., was shot and killed by:
a. His wife, who believed he was cheating on her.
b. Arab extremists violating the holy teachings of Islam
c. A white, Southern, redneck moron with a heart full of hate.
3. The Federal Building in Oklahoma City was bombed by:
a. Los Angeles gang members
b. Arab extremists violating the holy teachings of Islam
c. White male assholes who didn’t like the United States government.
4. John Lennon, one of the last great musical prophets of our time, was shot and killed by:
a. An angry black man who likes Marvin Gaye a whole lot better.
b. Arab extremists violating the holy teachings of Islam.
c. A white male loner who was angry at Lennon for no good reason.
5. President Abraham Lincoln was assassinated while watching a play by:
a. Freed slaves who wanted to go back under the yoke of Massuh.
b. Arab extremists violating the holy teachings of Islam
c. A white, Southern male with a grudge against the man who ended slavery.
6. Ronald Reagan was shot while attempting to get into the Presidential limo by:
a. A young African-American man who had lost his financial aid because of Reaganomics.
b. Arab extremists violating the holy teachings of Islam
c. A white male loner obsessed with impressing a girl out of his league.
7. The United States has recently violated numerous international laws that we helped to write, simply by illegally invading another sovereign nation. That invasion and violation of international law, and the subsequent deaths and destruction cause by it, was authorized by:
a. A Columbian drug lord
b. Arab extremists violating the holy teachings of Islam
c. A white, Southern redneck alcohol abuser with “Daddy issues.”
8. If you live in the deep south and have a skin color other than pasty, and you wake up at 3am to find a cross burning on your lawn, the likely culprit is:
a. Geraldo Rivera
b. Arab extremists violating the holy teachings of Islam
c. The Ku Klux Klan, a group of hate-mongering white, Southern rednecks who do that evil shit.
I don’t know about you, but I sense a pattern here. And I’d better be pulled over for DWW (driving while white) next time I go out, because I am obviously a danger to the world at large. Clearly, racial profiling is a very good thing; it simply must be pointed in the right direction.
Marc Mason can be reached at: marc@marcmason.com
