Why Am I Still Alive?
A few years ago I was discussing some of my darker thoughts on our world with my friend Debbie, when she recoiled in horror at some of the things I had to say. “Why,” she asked, “do you even bother breathing if you really feel that way?”
I didn’t have a good answer for her then, and honestly, it took me quite a few years to come up with one, because I wanted an answer that was truthful and full of meaning. So sue me. I also had no clue at that point in my life why I hadn’t already swallowed a bottled of sleeping pills or eaten a gun. But now I know.
The reason that I’ve never committed suicide, no matter how depressed I’ve been at various junctures in my life, is because I am a very arrogant son of a bitch.
What it boils down to is that I believe the world is a much more entertaining and interesting place as long as I’m in it, and it’ll suck for too many people if I leave prematurely. Nature has to take its course in order for my life to have the most thorough impact, and I’m a man who is rightly concerned with his legacy. Sort of makes me Presidential timbre, doesn’t it?
Plus, I’m not one for making and leaving a mess. Even before I met Rebecca, I was one of those rare straight men who was concerned with cleanliness and tidiness. Death by gun could ruin the paint and carpet. Bodily function failure at the time of passing could also do very unfortunate things to the carpet. That’s just not acceptable. If it happens by accident, that’s one thing. But to intentionally kill any chance my next of kin have of getting back a security deposit? That’s just rude.
I lost track of Deb years ago. I think she moved back to Maryland and got married. But if she was here, I’d make her read this so she had her answer. Now the rest of you all know, too. So if you ever hear that I died under mysterious circumstances, or someone claims that I committed suicide, don’t you believe it. Play amateur detective or do whatever you have to to discover the truth. Maybe you’ll even get a movie and book deal. Just make sure that Tom Cruise plays me in the flashback sequences.