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Marc Mason is a freelance writer based in Tempe, AZ.

Friday, April 09, 2004  
Throwing Feces

All stories are better when they include a monkey. This was concluded tonight at happy hour, and there were no dissenting voices. So mote it be.

Yesterday, national security advisor Condy Rice finally lied testified in front of the 9/11 commission. Her remarks were widely interpreted by various pundits, and the meanings were never clear. But the highlight of the day's testimony came when the senior monkey on the commission reacted to Rice's denials by shitting in his hand and flinging it at Miss Rice's brifecase, where it settled in between some OPEC price reports and a small bag of lipsticks.

Much better.

This week at work I received one of my two annual evaluations. I kick total ass at my job, so there really wasn't anything of substantial interest in it, except for when I was praised for my quick thinking and the lives saved when I stopped a rampaging monkey from re-programming our computer network to make it endlessly re-type the complete works of Shakespeare.

That works for me.

But the problem with that second one is that the monkey didn't throw any excrement. Stories where monkeys throw excrement are better than the ones that don't. It's a rule.

Maybe what that really means is that our human stories would be much better if humans took the time to throw their own feces at other people and objects. I have a wonderful picture in my head of John Kerry, mid-debate, tiring of W's incessant blather and whipping a nice, steaming fresh, pile of turds at him. That would give a new definition to what makes someone Presidential material; we'd vote for the guy who eats the most fiber.

I should be in charge of the world. Me, and my pet monkey, who shall be called "Fatdick." (Don't ask.) I wonder how to get on the ballot for that? Who do I have to shit on to make that happen?. Oh yeah- if I were a Republican, that answer would be "the electorate."


9:26 PM

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