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Marc Mason is a freelance writer based in Tempe, AZ.

Monday, September 20, 2004  
My Prerogative

I almost feel sorry for Britney Spears. Almost.

Look, at this point, the girl can’t take a shit without someone taking a picture of it. But when she’s stupid (and gross) enough to take that shit in a gas station restroom and walk in and out of it barefoot? Come on. Eventually, you’re either smart enough to think it out ahead of time, or you deserve the public trashing you’re going to take.

She snuck off and got married this past weekend for the second time this year, this time to her skuzzy looking backup dancer Kevin Federline. That’d be the same guy who dumped his seven-month pregnant girlfriend to take up with Ms. Spears. Obviously not a genius, ya know? So now Brit, at the paltry age of twenty-two, is a step-parent of two. Hopefully she’s not in charge of teaching them hygiene while the two kids are around on Kevin’s weekend.

Honestly, though, does anyone expect this marriage to last? Her first marriage was a Vegas affair that was quickly broken up by her parents. That guy was a childhood friend from her hometown, and he almost seemed like he had a few things going for him (like, say, not abandoning the mother of his children while she’s pregnant), but apparently things like actually being single and knowing their daughter for a long, long time weren’t cutting it for the Spears clan. They’d rather have the guy with stupid looking facial hair and a gift for future paternity suits. Good thinking, those Spears folks.

If I were from the south, I would find the entire Spears family an embarrassment to my heritage. Britney is pretty much the living embodiment of every “Farmer’s daughter” joke ever told at this point, and her family are right behind her. Jeff Foxworthy must watch these people and take copious notes. You might be a redneck if… you appear in public wearing a t-shirt that says, “I’m A Virgin… but this is a really old shirt.” Classy. Brit mad such a big deal out of her virginity early on in her career, before Justin Timberlake got to hit it, but now you wonder if it wasn’t all a big smoke screen. Maybe she was warming up so that down the road she can marry a cousin or something and it will all just seem natural. Has she covered a Jerry Lee Lewis song yet?

Oh yes… speaking of covers. Her latest song is a cover of Bobby Brown’s “My Prerogative,” and it’s an abortion. I’m sure Brit felt like she was making a statement about taking control of her life and not caring if people thought it was fucked up and absurd. Whatever. Brown’s song was a danceable “fuck you” to those who felt like he shouldn’t do anything but sing with New Edition for the rest of his career, and it rocked out. But poor Brit… poor, poor Brit. I think it’s much more likely that her attempt at “fuck you” will be met with a mighty yawn from the buying public. And that’s their prerogative.

7:15 PM

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